A Caribbean Christmas Carol
by canadian-pirate-girl
Summary: The Charles Dickens classic is retold with pirates. Bonus Alternate ending. Ignore summary and just read!
1. Bah Humbug!

**A Caribbean Christmas Carol**

Once upon a Christmas Eve, within a window frosted, a face was unseen, hidden by piles of…_gold_.

Mr. Ebenezer Barbossa was the owner of that face. He ran a rum trade company, and was as rich and as cheap as any man could be. However, in the cold dark corner near the old fireplace, were his employees. The ones he hadn't chased away with his greed and unkindness anyway. That left two men. Pintel and Ragetti Crachet. They were twins. They tried vigorously to rekindle the slowly dying fire, but to no avail.

"Crachet!"

"Yes sir?" they said in unison.

"Not you, one-eye, the fat one."

"Yes sir?" said Pintel timidly.

"It's your turn to do me laundry tonight."

"Alread…"

"It's your turn! Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly, sir."

"Now that's more like it."

A knock came at the door. Barbossa opened it, and lo and behold, were two red-jackets with a collection tin!

"Hello Mr. Barbossa, sir. We're Murtog and Mullroy. We're collecting for those less fortunate this Christmas Eve. Would you like to make a donation?" said the man named Murtog.

"Oh, it's for the poor is it?"

Both men nodded their heads enthusiastically.

"Well let me tell you something lads. The poor make up most of the population. They are no good scoundrels who are too lazy to work to earn money. The rich, on the other hand, work hard, that's why we can take care of ourselves. So tell me now, why should they be getting any of my hard-earned money? Getting it themselves would teach them a valuable life lesson, would it not?"

"But sir…it's Christmas Eve!"

"Bah humbug! Christmas Eve…" and with that he shut the door.

"I don't like that man much." said Murtog.

"I've seen worse." replied Mullroy.

"No you haven't."

"Yes I have."

"So you've seen a man destroyed by his wealth, and so greedy that Hell itself spat him back out, is that what you're saying?"

While the men argued all the way down Ashley Avenue, inside the office the man named Ragetti piped up timidly.

"Well…you know sir that tomorrow is Christmas Day, and we were wondering if we could have the day off? To be with our family?"

"What's that you say?" called Barbossa from behind the…_gold_.

"We were wondering if we could take the day off, tomorrow, seeing as it's Christmas." said Pintel.

"No."

"Please sir!" they pleaded, begging on their knees.

"Alright! But I want you back at dawn the next day to make up for lost time! Is that clear?"

"Yes sir! Yes sir!" They shouted in unison, doing little happy dances.

"Leave now. You're an eyesore, the both of you."

"Yes sir! Yes sir!"

As they grabbed their coats and rushed to get out the door…

"Don't forget my laundry!"

"Yes sir!"

Pintel ran in and grabbed the bag, and left just as quickly with a "Merry Christmas!"

"Christmas…Bah humbug…"

* * *

A/N: Yay! Here's chapter 1! I hope you guys liked this story so far! I would like to have this done before Christmas, and comments are very much appreciated. 


	2. A Ghostly Visit

_Disclaimer- Yeah, I forgot this last chapter so, I don't own POTC or A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Oh yeah, um, tell me if I messed up any of the Christmas Carol storyline because my reference points are the Disney special and Muppets movie (some of my holiday must_-_sees). Enjoy!_

Barbossa hobbled down the lonely cobblestone road in the lonely quarter of London. Such was his lonely life. He reached his front porch and pulled out the old fashioned key from inside his pocket, and turned it in the lock. There was an eerie _click_, if such a noise can be creepy. He opened the door, and could've sworn he smelled simmering pork with rum form the kitchen.

"Bootstrap, are you there? The pork smells delicious!" he called. That's when he realized that his former partner had been dead for over twenty years. Completely frightened by the fact that he had just spoken to an empty house, he went to the kitchen and fixed himself a small dinner of bread, potatoes and peas. With some rum on the side, of course.

He made his way up the stairs and into his room. He lit the fire and sat down in his favorite chair, eating his cold supper. A gust of wind and dying fire later, he opened his eyes, and couldn't believe what he saw. It was the ghost of his old partner Bootstrap Marley! He carried with him chains and shackles and such.

"Ebenezer Barbossa!" he haunted, and feebly at that.

"Bootstrap? Is that you?"

"Yes!"

"You look deathly pale…but then again, you are dead…"

"Thank you."

"Remember the day when we swindled that little old lady and she gave us her monkey? Remember Jack?"

"The Captain or the monkey?"

"The monkey, you incompetent fool!"

"Oh yeah, those were the good old days, swindling people everywhere we…I mean no! Those were days of wrong doing! Listen to me Ebenezer…It is for my actions that I carry these chains with me! Because of the life I led! I've come to warn you! Your fate will be the same unless you change your ways!"

"What profit will come from that?"

"Just listen! Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts, the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come! Listen for the chime of midnight. Farewell!" With that, he stole one of Barbossa's bread rolls and floated off through the wall.

"What have I come to? I'm seeing ghosts, talking to them, and watching them float off with my supper!" Barbossa cried aloud. He then put on his nightgown and nightcap and crawled into bed. As he pulled up the covers to his chin, he grabbed his teddy bear and held it close.

"Ghosts…bah humbug…I must be getting older. I'm such a crazy old fool…Isn't that right Mr. Twinkles?" he asked his teddy. Upon receiving a blank look and no response from the bear, he fell asleep.


	3. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

The large grandfather clock on the right hand wall chimed twelve. Barbossa awoke with a start.

"Did you hear that Mr. Twinkles?" he asked his teddy nervously. No response.

"No, no. Of course not. I'm being silly. There's no way a ghost could get in here…"

"Is that so?" inquired a young girl's voice from his bedside.

"Who's there?"

"It is I, the ghost of Christmas Past."

"Aren't you a little young? Do your parents let you out this late?"

"I had parents, yes, once upon a time. But I was called to the next world when…when…" She started sobbing.

"Sorry. I didn't mean for you to get all tetchy about it. Geez…"

"You cruel, cruel man! This must be why I was sent here…"

"Alright! What's your name?"

"It _was_ Elizabeth…,"

"Not again…"

"But you may call me Spirit."

"Alright then, _Spirit_."

"Take my hand, and hold tight."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are we going?"

"To visit your past."

"Wha…"

The spirit grabbed his hand and away they went! As they flew above the town, Ebenezer could see lights sparkling from windows. "No doubt the holiday festivities," he thought to himself. "They'll be feeling that in the morning…"

Finally they landed in front of a small school house. It was a familiar sight to Barbossa.

"I remember this place! This was my old school!"

"No, really? Look in the window."

He used his sleeve to wipe off the fog, and took a peek. Inside was a boy, completely alone at his desk, while all the others were outside, piling into carriages.

"Why, that's me! I remember now, I used to stay behind while everyone else went home for the holidays."

"Yes, you were quite the loner…"

"Quiet you!"

"It's true…"

"That's my old teacher! Mr. Cotton! He had his tongue cut out for blasphemy so he bought a parrot and trained it to talk for him!"

"Yes, yes, nice trip down memory lane…Come on, let's get going! When I'm finished there's another two spirits coming!"

"Oh no…"

They ended up outside a tavern. In the window they could see lights, men drinking, women dancing with the drunken men, and hear music, the clinking of glasses and the repeated cry of "Fill 'er up, Fizzy!"

Ebenezer gasped.

"What a sight for sore eyes! Bless my soul it's old Fizzygibbs! I used to come here all the time!"

"Yet still you seemed to be a loner. See? That's you over there in that corner."

He looked in the window and saw his younger self sulking in a corner. At the other end of the room was a badger resembling man heatedly playing a fiddle. That was Fizzygibbs. At that moment a girl came over, grabbed young Barbossa by the arm and they began to dance.

"Oh, Ana-Maria! She was my fiancée. What ever happened to us?"

"I'll show you."

A moment later, they were inside Scrooge's office. Ana-Maria came in the door and found young Barbossa, surprise surprise, behind piles of…_gold_.

"Ebenezer?" the vision asked timidly.

"What is it darling?"

"I know I'm a little late on the payments on the cottage…could I have just…a little more time?"

"I'm sorry but it's already been three months. You can't hold off any longer. If you can't pay now, I guess you'll just have to have it repossessed."

Ana-Maria threw her engagement ring at him and ran out the door, sobbing. Ebenezer recommenced the counting of his…_gold_.

"Geez…I didn't think that I was that harsh…"

"Farewell!" called the Spirit.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

In a split-second, Ebenezer found himself sitting up in his four-poster bed, the curtains still drawn. He grabbed Mr. Twinkles and fell into a deep sleep.


	4. The Dreadlocked and Mysterious Spirits

Edit- "Crachet" should be "Crachit", but I'll leave it as is so as not to confuse myself.

Barbossa stirred. A dark form was visible through his bed curtains. The shape crept around for a bit, picked up Barbossa's remaining bread roll, ate it, and upon deciding it was stale, and washed it down with a bit o' Captain Morgan's. It then silently crept up and pulled open the bed hangings. Lo and behold was the least spirit looking spirit ever to be seen. He had a cloak with many pockets, and beaded dreadlocks in his hair; he wore a bandana, and held a bottle of rum in his hands! He poked Barbossa, decided he was sleeping too heavily to try again. Just as he was walking away, he turned and shouted:

"WHOA!"

No reply. The spirit looked towards Barbossa's dresser and saw opportunity. A basin of water! He took it and threw some water on Ebenezer.

"What in the…"

"Come on let's get going!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present! Come on now!"

He splashed him again.

"Blast it, I'm already awake! What was that for?"

"That was…well…yeah, just because I wanted to." He grinned. "Come on! Out of bed! Now!"

Ebenezer got out of bed and a second later they were in the poorer quarter of London. They looked into the window, and saw the Crachet family and Ragetti gathered round the table for, what looked like to Barbossa, a canary. That was, until he realized that it was their Christmas turkey. _They must be cooking up something else wonderful, instead of that measly bird, in that large pot over the fire_, he thought. Barbossa waited anxiously to see what was in the pot, but when Mrs. Crachet finally took off the lid, he realized that it was nothing more but his laundry. Feeling guilty, he looked up at a small figure coming down the stairs. It was Pintel's son, Tiny Will Crachet. He looked so sad with his little crutch. Pintel picked him up and put him on his shoulders. Tiny Will raised his crutch and called out in holiday cheer "Merry Christmas to you, every one!"

"Spirit, what will become of Tiny Will?"

He turned around, but the spirit had gone. Instead, there was another, in a black, tattered robe. He looked foreboding.

"Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?"

The spirit nodded.

"Can you show me what will become of the child?"

The spirit pointed to the window. Barbossa looked in once again. The Crachets sat around the fire place, all sobbing. Against the wall was a little crutch.

"No spirit, please, show me no more!"

The spirit turned and showed him the two men who had come collecting earlier.

"The old man isn't doing to well anymore. But who cares if he dies? No one'll even be at his funeral." said Murtog.

"Yeah, he wu'nt very nice, was he?"

"No. He wasn't. Not very nice at all."

The spirit then led him to a small home. They looked in. Inside there were two men and women sitting around a table. They pulled out a bag and dumped out its contents. One of the men picked up a stretch of fabric.

"Wow! You took the bed hangings?" He looked down. "And the hooks to hold them up? You're brilliant!"

"Look!" exclaimed one of the women. "She even took his blankets!"

"Took 'em directly off the poor old chap too, I did!" said the other. She laughed.

"Spirit," asked Ebenezer, "who is this poor, unloved man? Show me."

A moment later, they were at the graveyard. The spirit pointed to a small, desolate lot. The tombstone was there, but the grave was empty, waiting to be filled in after the casket was laid. Barbossa walked up to it and was shocked and terrified when he read the name:

EBENEZER BARBOSSA

The spirit pointed at Barbossa, motioning for him to get into the grave, _his_ grave.

"Please, Spirit, is this what will be, or what might be? Is there time for me to change my ways?"

The spirit pointed.

Barbossa groveled and held fast to the hem of the spirit's robe.

The spirit pointed. Barbossa groveled. The spirit pointed some more. Barbossa groveled some more. The spirit was still pointing. Barbossa was still groveling. Pointing. Groveling. Pointing. Groveling. Still pointing, still groveling. Spirit getting bored. Barbossa still groveling.

Barbossathen found himself hanging on to his bed curtains.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Would've liked to have given Jack a larger role…but I'm trying to hurry up so it's finished by tomorrow. Christmas Eve, you know. If you'd like to know which POTC character is the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, I was going to make it Will and give him some dialogue, but I honestly don't know anymore.  
I completely agree with you vanillafluffy, itmust be the egg nog…

**Captain Jack:** Christmas? I love Christmas! Egg nog all around!

TTFN, Ta Ta For Now! Love,

Your friendly neighborhood psycho


	5. New Day, New Man

Barbossa let go of his bed hangings, because it was just too awkward. He saw the sun rising outside. That must have meant that it was Christmas day! He still had time! He looked out his window, and called to a young boy as he passed:

"You boy, do you know if they still have that large turkey at the market?"

The boy turned around, quick as a flash. Everyone answered Ebenezer Barbossa when he asked a question.

"Do you mean the one that's almost as big as I am?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Sure do!"

Barbossa threw him down a bag of money.

"Go buy it for me, and bring it back here if you can carry it! Keep the change!"

"Yes sir, yes sir! And a very merry Christmas to you!"

"A very merry Christmas to you too!"

The boy hurried off. Barbossa did a little happy dance. Actually, it was a quite large happy dance. He had such a wonderful plan in mind…

The rum-trader got the turkey, the boy got his change, and when Barbossa found Murtog and Mullroy, he gave them a huge sum of…_gold_, and told them to come to see him the next day, the day after, and so on. He had a whole lifetime's worth of donations to make up for. He then went out and bought a present for each of the members of the Crachet family.

Morning next, when Pintel and Ragetti came in to work, the events occurred as such:

"Crachets! Where's me laundry?"

"Right here, sir."

Barbossa smelled his clothes and threw them to the floor.

"Fools! I asked for Tide! This is Sunlight!"

"I'm sorry sir, I promise that next time…"

"It doesn't matter! You've messed up, again, and I will therefore have to...to…"

Pintel gulped and awaited the verdict.

"Come on men; give me a drum-roll!"

They started making noises that sounded nothing like drum-rolls and got carried away.

"No, okay. You know what? Don't. Just...don't."

They stopped, and sadness took over them. They really did enjoy the simple things in life. Like making funny noises.

Barbossa continued. "I will therefore have to…give you a new fireplace at the back to keep you warm and give you a pay-raise."

"Sir, are you feeling alright? Are you joking?"

"No! Not at all! I've changed!"

"Were you visited by three ghosts, by any chance?"

"How…?"

"Long story, another time."

"Alright then… We'll negotiate the new terms over lunch."

That night, Barbossa came with the turkey and the gifts, to celebrate a belated Christmas. After the scrumptious meal, the family turned to the gifts. For Pintel, there was a handsome pair of gloves, and for Mrs. Crachet, a lovely new handkerchief. For Ragetti, a new eye, made of glass, because Barbossa had heard him whine about how it "splintered him something terrible". The children received dolls, toy soldiers, balls and such. But Tiny Will, in addition to all this, received a toy puppet and a mirror. That was the day he discovered his "beauty". But that's another story for another time.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" shouted Tiny Will with glee.

"That's Santa's line." said his sister, tugging his sleeve.

"Oh yeah…I mean, God bless us everyone!"

**THE END**

A/N: It's not entirely finished! I'm adding an alternate ending, the one I took out because it totally killed the Christmas spirit. Oh yeah, I'm not insulting Will by putting "beauty' in quotes. To cmjrwalker, sorry, should've answered before, it's the same Bootstrap, but just _pretend_ that he's not Will's father.


	6. Alternate Ending

**ALTERNATE ENDING**

…"_Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" shouted Tiny Will with glee._

"Um…that's Santa's line." said a mysterious voice from somewhere.

"I mean, God bless us, every one! And happy Boxing Day!"

The walls pulled away to show a live audience. The whole thing was just a taping of a show. The owner of the mysterious voice came up to "Tiny Will" and started scolding him. It was Dax Shepard, the guy from _Punk'd_ and _Without a Paddle_!

"What were you doing?" he inquired. "If you can't remember your lines, there's that thing in front of the cameras for you to read them!"

"I know. Ha-ha! I defy you, evil teleprompter!"

Then Freddie Prince Jr. came up and started badgering Dax. In the background, cheesy Christmas music was ushering the audience out of the stadium.

"Why'd you write Barbossa's nephew, Fred, out of the script?"

"Because…you're not a POTC character."

"What's she doing there, then?" he complained, pointing at "Mrs. Crachet".

"She's Liz's maid, alright?"

Freddie went off and pouted.

------------

Far, far away, in the city of Montreal, three girls sat and stared at the T.V screen in silence.

"But where was Jack?" cried the girl named Ashley.

"I know!" said Melissa. "He was hardly in it at all!"

"And Will was only there a little! As a child! Where is the sexy hero who is constantly upstaged by Johnny?" proclaimed Catherine.

"Jack is the sexy one!" snarled Melissa and Ashley.

"I say potato, you say patato, whatever."

The lights went out.

A/N: Why Dax Shepard and Freddie Prince Jr.? Because they were the two most random people that popped into my head, and Freddie/Fred, you get the idea…Thank you, pirates-arr-me-life63 for reminding me 'bout Fred. Alternate ending is completely random, and makes no sense with the rest of the story. Anywho, happy holidays!


End file.
